How to look after my mother

How to look after my mother

Just in case I get hit by a tram on my way to the  letterbox I thought I had better leave directions for her care.

Check all Doctors appointments at least 3 times a week (they change)

Hair perms and cuts regularly (at most inconvenient time for you always)

If all else fails, she does like a plane ride, you pay though

• Change sheets on bed.
•  Vacuum underlay (for those with a pacemaker please skip this step magnetic underlay and pillows)
•  Vacuum under bed (look out for hankies in balls and eye drop bottles)
•  Polish furniture - Mr Sheen in cupboard under sink, cloths in 3^rd drawer in kitchen  DO NOT use Cleaning lady stock or cloths, she comes once a fortnight for and therefore  has ALL rights and you have none. Need something? Buy it out of your pocket
• Mum believes that dust does not exist in this unit, just in the house she lived in 9 years ago. Didn’t pack it so it isn’t here, it’s still there even though that house has been torn down!
•  Wash sheets . Now you thought this was easy, Ha! Unlock laundry, turn tap and power on  Oops, did you forget to bring the fabric softener? Go get it in 10 minutes tops (14km each way  plus time in store) and DO NOT get a speeding ticket, you don’t have time and you will be talked about until the day you die and longer. Whoops, did you leave the tap on, just take the nag fest and take it as a reminder, you will hear it often
•   Add the towels from the towel rack on over the bath only and 2 face washers (can’t find them- keep looking they are in there somewhere)
• Now don’t sit around waiting for the washing machine to finish, sweep the outdoor area, clean the fingerprints off the glass doors, water pot plants, cobweb broom is in garage so use it! She bought it to make life easy for people doing cobwebs for her!
• Quick it has finished the cycle, turn off tap and electricity. Hang on line.  Sheets outside line, pillowcases near fence,  towels next line in, undies on the small clothes hanger (out of site of neighbours) 2 pegs per undies, socks in singles by the toe and bras by the end with the hooks NOT the eyes
• WHEN DRY, FOLD AND PUT AWAY, Linen press a mess again?  Cleaned it up last time you were here? Guess what, you’ll do it next time too ! Undies 3^rd drawer over, hankies 1^st drawer, socks in grey drawers and nighties on bottom of wardrobe on top of box with pink lid.

NO CHOCOLATE after 3pm or you will be up all night, misery loves company rule applies.

•  Don’t forget dinner time is 5pm, not 5.05 strictly 5 on the dot. No garlic, no spices (sneak a bit in and store in your handbag). Bring salt, pepper and cutlery to her in the lounge room, don’t interrupt TV for something as trivial as a meal you have slaved over for hours!
• Turn down her bed
• Endure a few hours of mind numbing television, with more channel surfing than a male can manage. Usually in bed at 7.30 when you ring? Not while you are here, could be 10pm or later as she doesn’t get much company (yep the guilt trip continues)
• Set table for breakfast

Day 2

Arise at the time designated by her.(That is the crash and bang around the kitchen) despite the fact that you have set out all breakfast dishes, pills, glass of water, weetbix and fruit, cutlery etc to minimise noise.

• All dishes etc will be left exactly where she eats, weetbix comment will be passed about how it sets like cement on the dish if YOU don’t rinse it.
• Make her bed while she is having breakfast.
• Clean bathroom, scrub shower, throw out empty bottles from vanity
• Start shopping list  with hygiene care
• Put mats out of dining room and shake, leave out while you wash the floors, Dry them afterwards
• Get morning tea
• Vacuum lounge and under lounge cushions
• Empty vacuum cleaner and wash filter
•  Check her water supply
• Put mats back
•  Continue shopping list and see how much room is in the freezer
•  Get her lunch ready with a cup of tea Not yours!
• Go shopping, sit at Coffee shop and enjoy lunch, buy a take away coffee.
• Go to her bank and withdraw money (600 to 1000 should cover it)
• Shop till you drop and don’t forget rock cakes, Monte Carlos, TV Book, frozen dinners , low fat ice cream, Magnums, Soothers 3 pack, and prawns.
• Buy pensioner sizes, embarrassing I know, just do it
• On way  home got to Chemist and whatever other job needs doing, including Lotto
• Put shopping away by yourself is preferable as opposed to assistance and painful
• Make her a cuppa tea and cake, shopping exhausts her
• Clean glass doors and around all power points and light switches (3 times as far as for a 2 year old about covers it)
• Cook dinner
• Use 2nd drawer of dishwasher

If here for Day 3 (you little trouper!)clean all windows, fly screens, defrost freezer and wash driveway (HINT Bring the Karcher!)           

Meals:

7.30am    Cereal, raisin toast, cup of tea

10am     Morning tea

12          Lunch (cruskits with salad, sandwich (prefers prawn) or a hot lunch

3pm       Afternoon tea      

5pm       Dinner- Hot meal, no garlic or too much flavour delivered to lounge room

6.30       Supper

TV Shows:

Reality ones like Home and Away, Heartbeat, Spicks and Specks (comedy relief)

The Flintstones, Cheers, Murder she wrote (if no blood)

Minimum of 5 versions of the news each day

Your Best friend! Delivered to her door on Tuesdays!

 Thank you and I know it may look daunting, it is! 

Will it be good enough- NO

Will you be talked about when your gone- YES

Satisfaction guaranteed not to exist

 The only reward is LOVE, ooops hang on, that's for Guide Dogs!